The Model of Toxic Behavior – Why It Matters

In my work we talk a lot about emotional patterns and how they shape our lives—especially when it comes to relationships with partners and leaders. Sometimes, the people we trust can behave in ways that leave us feeling confused, frustrated, or even drained, but we can’t quite figure out why. That’s where the Model of Toxic Behavior comes in. It’s a simple framework I developed that helps you spot the hidden manipulation and emotional control that often fly under the radar.

The model blends together a few important ideas from psychology. We’ve got insights from Jean Lipman-Blumen's toxic leadership theory, which explains why some leaders manipulate and control. Then there’s Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), which show how early trauma affects our adult relationships. We also pull from attachment theory (because how we connect with people as kids sticks with us), somatic healing to help heal trauma loops, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to understand how different parts of us react to emotional baggage. And finally, we touch on unattached burdens work, which helps us release the emotional weight we carry, sometimes without even realizing it.

The Model of Toxic Behavior maps toxic people across two main axes: Hidden vs. Visible and Emotional Immaturity vs. Pathology. It’s important to know which quadrant someone falls into, because it helps us understand what’s really going on behind their behavior. Some people manipulate because they’re emotionally immature and might change with the right support. Others, however, have deeper, more harmful behaviors that could mean setting strict boundaries or even cutting ties for your own well-being.

What makes this model so useful is that it shifts the focus away from blaming yourself. Instead, you get to understand that their toxic behavior is often rooted in their own unresolved trauma and insecurities. You didn’t do anything wrong—you’re just dealing with someone who’s struggling in ways you might not be able to fix. In my work, this model is a go-to tool for helping you make sense of confusing relationships, whether it’s a partner who makes you feel small or a boss who keeps you second-guessing yourself.

Let’s break it down even more. The Hidden Tyrants are a big focus because they’re the hardest to spot. These are people who don’t openly attack or criticize, but rather control through subtle comments, emotional withdrawal, or even passive-aggressive remarks. You might walk away from an interaction feeling drained, but you can’t quite put your finger on why. These kinds of behaviors are especially common in high-pressure professional environments or personal relationships where charm and manipulation blend together.

Through my sessions, I help people recognize these behaviors and build strategies to protect themselves, whether that means setting boundaries, getting emotional support, or, in some cases, walking away. I also use tools from IFS and unattached burdens work to help release the emotional baggage that we carry from our past, whether from family dynamics, past relationships, or societal pressures.

So, how does this model play out in real life? Let’s take a look at three common situations—getting a promotion, your partner not liking your clothes, and going out with friends—and see how the four toxic behavior quadrants show up, as well as what healthy, supportive behavior looks like instead.

Shall we?

Scenario 1: Getting an Award at Work

Imagine you just got the big news—you’re getting an award or you're being promoted! Your hard work has paid off, and you’re finally being recognized. You come home or head into the office, excited to share the news with your partner or boss, expecting congratulations and support. But their reaction? Well, it might not be exactly what you hoped for…

Hidden Tyrant (Control-driven, Pathological)

• What they might say: “That’s great news! But don’t get too excited—these promotions often come with unrealistic expectations. I don’t want you to end up stressed out.”

• How it feels: Instead of feeling supported, you might start doubting whether you deserve the promotion or if you can handle it. They’ve subtly planted a seed of doubt while framing it as concern.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure leader would say something like, “You’ve worked hard for this! I believe in you, and I know you’ll rise to the occasion. Let’s talk about how I can support you in your new role.” They focus on celebrating your success and offering support.

  
  

Overt Dominator (Power-driven, Pathological)

• What they might say: “Don’t think this makes you special. Everyone’s replaceable.”

• How it feels: Instead of celebrating your achievement, you’re left feeling diminished, as if your promotion means nothing or is a threat to their power.

• Healthy Behavior: A healthy leader would offer recognition without competition. “I’m thrilled to see you step up! You’ve earned this, and we’re all excited to see what you do next.” They make space for your success without feeling threatened.

  
  

Neglectful Underminer (Insecurity-driven, Emotionally Immature)

• What they might say: “Oh, you got an award? Congrats! Did you see the game last night and the Instagram posts I shared with you today?”

• How it feels: Your accomplishment is brushed off, making you feel invisible. There’s no acknowledgment of your hard work, leaving you wondering if anyone even notices.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner or leader would engage with your achievement. “That’s fantastic! Let’s celebrate this over lunch or dinner and discuss how you can continue growing in your role.” They make you feel seen and valued.

  
  

Emotional Controller (Fear-driven, Emotionally Immature)

• What they might say: “You deserve it, but are you sure you’re ready for all that responsibility? I’d hate to see you overwhelmed. If you take on additional responsibilities you would need to work on your mental resilience”

• How it feels: You start to feel guilty for pursuing your ambitions, as though your success might harm your relationship with them. They use care as a way to pull you back, making you dependent on their approval.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure leader or partner would say, “I’m so proud of you! You’ve got this, and I’ll be here if you ever need someone to talk to.” They support your independence without creating guilt.

  
  

Scenario 2: Your Partner Doesn’t Like the Clothes You Wear

You’re getting ready for a night out—maybe with friends, maybe just a dinner date with your partner—and you’ve chosen an outfit that makes you feel confident and stylish. As you’re about to leave, your partner glances at you and makes a comment. It’s not exactly a compliment, but it’s also not an outright insult. Suddenly, you’re second-guessing your look, wondering if you should change…

Hidden Tyrant

• What they might say: “You look great, but maybe that dress is a little too much? I just don’t want you to get unwanted attention.”

• How it feels: Their comment seems caring, but it’s about control. You start doubting your choices and wonder if you’re doing something wrong, feeling subtly controlled through their “concern.”

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner would say, “You look amazing! Wear what makes you feel confident.” They celebrate your self-expression and independence.

  
  

Overt Dominator

• What they might say: “You’re not going out in that, are you? You look ridiculous/like a single person looking for a new partner/fat/...”

• How it feels: You feel belittled and ashamed of your choices. Their words are designed to put you down and assert control over your appearance.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner respects your choices. “I love that you always have your own style. You look great!” They respect your autonomy and expression, supporting you without controlling you.

  
  

Neglectful Underminer

• What they might say: No comments about the look at all, or comments like “Wear whatever you want/ I don’t care.”

• How it feels: Their indifference leaves you feeling unseen. It’s not that they disapprove, but their lack of engagement makes you feel unimportant.

• Healthy Behavior: A healthy partner would show interest. “I love that look! How do you feel in it?” They engage with your choices and support your confidence.

  
  

Emotional Controller

• What they might say: “You look great, but I just worry that you might be attracting the wrong kind of attention. You know I care about you.”

• How it feels: You feel torn between expressing yourself and not wanting to make them uncomfortable. Their concern feels like a way to guilt you into dressing differently.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner encourages self-expression. “You look stunning! I love that you wear what makes you happy.” They express care without controlling your decisions.

  
  

Scenario 3: You’re Going Out with Friends for the Evening

It’s been a long week, and you’ve made plans to go out with your friends. You’re looking forward to disconnecting from the work or family stress, having some fun, and just letting loose. But when you tell your partner or mention it to your boss (because maybe it’s a work social), their response leaves you feeling a bit guilty, like you’re somehow doing something wrong by taking time for yourself...

Hidden Tyrant

• What they might say: “Of course you should go! It's the 2nd time this week though. I had something planned for us tonight, but I guess it can wait for when you prioritize me.” or in case of the boss "You're aware of the big presentation tomorrow, is it a smart thing to do?"

• How it feels: Guilt creeps in. You start to feel like your decision to go out is hurting them, even though they’ve made it sound like it’s okay. You reconsider your plans, wanting to keep the peace.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner would say, “Go and have fun! I look forward to doing something together another time.” They support your independence and plans without layering it with guilt.

  
  

Overt Dominator

• What they might say: “You’re going out with them again? What a waste of time. You're never home.” or as a manager "These idiots don't deserve our time, it won't help close a deal"

• How it feels: You feel trapped and criticized. Their overt disapproval makes you question whether you even have the right to spend time with friends.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner values your independence. “That sounds fun! Enjoy your time, and let’s plan something for the weekend.” They respect your social life and encourage balance.

  
  

Neglectful Underminer

• What they might say: Nothing but showing disapproval in the face, or“Whatever, do what you want.”

• How it feels: Their disinterest makes you feel disconnected, as though your plans and needs don’t matter. You feel emotionally distant, even when they’re physically present.

• Healthy Behavior: A healthy partner or leader engages with your plans. “That sounds great! What are you planning to do? I’d love to hear about it when you get back home / to the office tomorrow.” They care about your experiences and value your time together.

  
  

Emotional Controller

• What they might say: “Of course, go out. I just hope you won’t forget about me while you’re having fun and be careful with (insert friend's name) as they can be a trouble-maker.” Or as a manager "Just make sure you're fresh for the presentation as person X can drink a lot".

• How it feels: You feel guilty for enjoying time with your friends, as though you’re neglecting them or your work. Their comment is meant to keep you small and emotionally imprisoned, even while you’re away.

• Healthy Behavior: A secure partner would encourage your independence. “Have a great time! I’ll be here when you get back. Let’s catch up then.” They support your need for social connections without making you feel guilty.

  
  

Reclaiming Healthy Relationships

Recognizing these toxic behaviors is key to reclaiming your inner spark. Healthy lovers and leaders encourage your autonomy, validate your feelings, and celebrate your success. Toxic individuals, on the other hand, use manipulation to control, belittle, or isolate you.

Understanding whether someone is emotionally immature or pathologically toxic is crucial in determining the most effective strategy for dealing with their behavior. Emotionally immature individuals may display manipulative or harmful behaviors, but they still have the capacity for growth when given the right support, feedback, and boundaries. In contrast, those with personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) often lack the self-awareness needed for meaningful change and resist attempts at accountability. Their manipulative actions are more deeply ingrained, making it harder to address through typical means of support or empathy.

For emotionally immature people, strategies like compassionate communication, boundary-setting, and patience can encourage growth. However, when dealing with truly toxic individuals, setting firm boundaries, prioritizing your well-being, and sometimes distancing yourself are necessary to protect your emotional health. Recognizing which category a person falls into will help you choose the right approach, preventing frustration and harm from engaging with those who are less likely to change.

This article goes in depth about this topic: Red Flags: Confront the Manipulator or Walk Away?

If you would like a personal profiling assessment we can work on uncovering these subtle dynamics of the person you're dealing with, helping you identify where they stem from, and teaching you how to set boundaries. The goal is not to demonize manipulators but to understand the trauma they might be carrying, while also making empowered choices for your own well-being. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward emotional freedom.

Resources

This article combines several psychological theories and healing approaches to explain toxic behaviors, particularly in relationships with lovers and leaders. If you’re ready to dive deeper into these ideas, here’s a resource list to help guide your understanding and healing journey:

1. Jean Lipman-Blumen's Toxic Leadership Theory

   • Book: The Allure of Toxic Leaders: Why We Follow Destructive Bosses and Corrupt Politicians—and How We Can Survive Them

   • Overview: This theory explains how toxic leaders manipulate and control others, and why people continue to follow them despite the harm they cause.

   • Link: Toxic Leadership

2. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

   • Resource: CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study

   • Overview: The ACE study shows how early childhood trauma, such as neglect or abuse, can have long-lasting effects on physical and mental health, shaping our relationships in adulthood.

   • Link: Adverse Childhood Experiences

3. Attachment Theory (John Bowlby)

   • Book: A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development by John Bowlby

   • Overview: Attachment theory explores how early relationships with caregivers influence how we connect with others in adulthood, shaping our emotional security, fear of abandonment, and relational patterns.

   • Link: Attachment Theory

4. Somatic Healing (Peter Levine)

   • Book: Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine

   • Overview: Somatic healing focuses on the physical impact of trauma and uses body-based techniques to help release stored trauma. Peter Levine’s work emphasizes how the body holds trauma and how healing can begin through somatic practices.

   • Link: Peter A. Levine

5. Internal Family Systems (IFS)

   • Book: No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz

   • Overview: IFS is a therapeutic approach that helps people understand their internal emotional “parts,” allowing them to heal past trauma and resolve internal conflicts.

   • Link: Internal Family Systems

6. Unattached Burdens Work (Robert Falconer)

   • Book: The Others Within Us: Internal Family Systems, Porous Mind, and Spirit Possession by Robert Falconer

   • Overview: Unattached burdens work focuses on releasing emotional trauma or burdens that don’t belong to us, such as generational trauma or emotional baggage we unconsciously carry from others.

   • Link: Internal Family Systems Model (Related to Robert Falconer’s work in IFS)

These resources provide a solid foundation for understanding the psychological frameworks behind the Model of Toxic Behavior. Whether you're exploring trauma theory or practical healing methods, these sources will guide you toward a deeper understanding of your own experiences and help you reclaim emotional well-being.